A week away from just another day

Mother’s Day is next week, and that sucks for a couple of lezzy moms. Who gets breakfast in bed? Do we both buy gifts, or do we cancel each other out? Do we make the kids do overtime and force them to craft 2 cards or drawings or paint mugs at our local paint-your-own-ceramics shop? I’m conveniently certain that Gabriella slept in last year, so it would be my turn for breakfast in bed this year. Regardless of who’s slated to be Mother of the Year, I am still Morah Devorah for the next 3 weeks. I have to impart Jewish learnings onto 2nd graders at 9:15AM that Sunday morning which is most definitely ungodly and on Mother’s Day down right cruel. I’m afraid Mother’s Day is a wash for us this year.

Oh my, are you weeping? There, there. Please don’t fret just because we will not be able to participate in the one day out of 365 when someone might be forced to deliver a morning breakfast tray of an egg on toast, a cup of tea, the paper and a kind word. And how could we possibly in good conscience support the institutionalized flower carnage that strips our land’s gardens of its roses and calla lillies and hydrangeas? No, I’m sure we’ll be quite contented to carry on as per usual and not give Mother’s Day another thought.

And what about our own mothers? Could we not celebrate the women who gifted us life? Well, Gabriella’s mother Rosa is no longer with us, sadly. My mother exists which is about as much as I can say and still sound like a lady. She has not spoken to me in years, but she is most likely ripping the heads off bunnies and snarling at small children unlucky enough to cross her path. Best we leave her be.

She wasn’t an entirely bad mother, I suppose. She armed me with very thick skin and a few pieces of advice along the way. Why, I recall the day of my first menseeeees. I know-icky word. She handed me the sanitary napkin that was literally the size of a brick and whispered slowly enunciating each word as if I could only read lips, “and when you’re finished with it…wrap it up in toilet paper…and throw it away.” She accompanied her instructions with hand gestures in case I wasn’t following her. Who knew that the international sign for wrapping your soiled napkin with toilet tissue is the same as rolling your patty cake?

I stared at her in disbelief. A couple of beats passed before I could blink and ask, “What about tamp-“

“NOT UNTIL AFTER YOU’RE MARRIED!” She answered at full volume. And that was that. End of discussion. My mother, the doctor’s wife, wanted to keep the hymen intact for my would-be husband. My hymen and I had other plans. I was not about to be strutting around town looking like I was riding a loaf of bread. Do you know how difficult it is to smuggle tampons into your house and practice inserting them off-cycle? If you’re a woman who has ever used tampons, then the thought of shoving a cardboard tube up there without any lubrication is enough to make you suck the air in through your teeth and pucker your lady-lips tightly together in a kegel formation. Ouch! But I was determined to liberate myself from the pad, and I didn’t have the benefit of YouTube. That’s right! You can learn how to insert a tampon on YouTube, but I’ll leave it to you to select one of many helpful videos.

So the challenge for me is to identify the appreciation in every day moments instead of counting down the days until Mother’s Day. This is an easier task for some who are not me. But my Asher helped me find the joy in motherhood this evening as he crawled into bed and asked if we could cuddle for a few minutes before he went to sleep. I chose to ignore his ulterior motive to avoid sleep at all cost and snuggled beside him. We talked about the day and made plans for the week and gave each other full body hugs that remain with me still. These are the moments that we try to capture on Mother’s Day, and these are the moments I will recall as I shlep my tuchus to Hebrew School next week. And that will suffice…until the boys are old enough to get me some frickin’ flowers!

9 thoughts on “A week away from just another day

  1. Laugh out VERY loud at “riding a loaf of bread” tampon comparison!
    The annually designated Mother’s Days do bring many reminders to the fore, not all good, however, I’m sure you have many brilliant Mothers’ Days between you both! enjoy them all. Remain blessed.

    (Tampon ‘fitting’ instructions on YouTube?!! You’re joking, surely? Ugh)

  2. thanks for a few belly laughs and many chuckles…much needed (trying to configure a wireless range expander meant for PCs on a Mac system so your oldest can play horrible games on Xbox Live would his freinds & possibly would-be crazy people is only slightly less painful than that unlubricated tampon, I tell ya)!

  3. Oh. My. Tampon instruction on YouTube? Sadly, not a teeny-tiny piece of me thinks you’re making this up.

    Hope you and Gabriela manage to have 364 beautiful mothers’ days to make up for this one being mucked up.

    And have you seen this?

    I’m sure it’s what Levi and Asher would say to you … you know, if it occurred to them.

  4. hoooo Lol… So happy mother’s day, “a mother is like a rose that never fades”. In France it’s at the end of may!!!!

  5. My mom just handed me the brick and the thong-y thing that holds it without any insructions.

    P.S. Knowing Gabriella, she’ll have something brewing for you.

  6. Happy Mothers’ Day, Deborah and Gabriella (and all other mothers reading this)! Such a funny, dear post again… I could go on and on but offer only two off topic comments of my own.

    1. Well, ok, so this is not a comment, but a memory — some years back I saw a cartoon (tried to find it on line so I could post it here or link to it, but couldn’t) I found amusing — a man, surrounded by many bouquets of flowers, clearly his ware, a sign above the bouquets, saying something like, “Don’t forget Mother’s Day,” and he is talking on his cellphone and yelling, “What the hell do you want, Mother? Don’t you know it’s my busiest day of the year?”

    2. I say the following in all sincerity, without the least bit of snarkiness: I do wish that there were a day for Women who Are Not Mothers as well. I am thinking such women tend to fall into one of three categories: 1. They consciously decide not to have children because they know themselves to be troubled or even posionous individuals and want to spare offspring from their noxious influences (not very many with such self-knowledge, I daresay, but there ARE some) 2. Women who don’t want to have children and have the courage of their convictions. I say all power to them; there are too many pressures on women to hide this failure to want to be mothers, and many have children who can’t fight off the pressure and make lousy mothers. So those who know they don’t and act on that knowledge deserve to be commended. 3. Women who wanted to have children but for some reason couldn’t (with ‘most everyone around them saying and implying that women such as themselves are not fully human — that they somehow profoundly missed their biological and spiritual calling).

    My two cents.

  7. DM-sounds like torture. hope you managed to figure it out without having to call in the geek squad.

    vikki, you’re not alone. i’ve heard that one before, and i cringe every time. ouch!

    timp- sounds like a gap in the market that hallmark should be filling! “Happy Non-Breeder Day” “Thank you for not over populating our planet!” “Here are some flowers for recognizing that YOU should definitely not procreate” (sorry. couldn’t help myself)

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