Absolution for Doomed Resolutions

I’d like for someone to stand up and shout “BALLS!” at the screen when I suggest that it is easier to get through the holiday season on other side of the world where the sun is at full power and the beaches are teeming with happy people, bronze on the outside and at Vitamin D capacity on the inside. I’d like for someone to tell me that everyone feels sluggish and unmotivated and spends valuable vacation hours binge-watching shows on Hulu until their eyes burn no matter the weather. Damn you, Misfits! But I know it isn’t so – even though it’s really fun to shout, “BALLS!”

The Misfits. Photo Credit: ComicBookMovie.com

What must it be like to have Christmas break during the summer – to go holiday shopping without shoveling cars out of driveways or make resolutions around a barbecue sipping a refreshing summer beverage made with freshly picked fruit from the trees in your yard? Oh sure….look at me! I’m making resolutions to exercise more or eat better or be kinder and more charitable while the sun is shining on my face and my toes are liberated from socks and I am not cold 24 hours a day.

How can anyone make new goals and achieve them while suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder. I’m not implying that you do suffer from a seasonal mood disorder, but how happy can anyone be when you can’t feel the tips of your fingers?  Is it any wonder that the highest percentage of alcoholism occurs in cold, dark countries?
I absolve all you Northern Hemisphericons of guilt and self-loathing when the winter blahs get the better of you. It’s not your fault! I suppose you could argue that if you can stick to your resolutions during the darkest, coldest most depressing time of the year then it’s all down hill after that. Probably. But why test yourself? Why not give yourself a break and build up to extreme suffering while you’re sitting on the porch in your flip-flops with a good book and an iced tea? Why not resolve to make resolutions on the Sikh new year of Vaisakhi?
Vaisakhi. Photo Credit: Indymedia.org.uk
The weather people are predicting blizzard conditions on Friday. We were all in Long Island celebrating New Year’s Day with La Famiglia when we turned to the news after dinner. Meteorologist Amy Freeze explained that things are going to get real nippy. She didn’t actually say “nippy.” I’m not sure what she said exactly because we were all distracted by her subtle Midwestern accent and whether or not she was born with the surname “Freeze” and also by her man-hands. We were, however, able to ascertain that it’s going to be snowy and raw. Later, we searched online to establish that Amy was born a “Freeze” and a Mormon in Utah and grew up in Indiana. There was no information about her man-hands.
Amy Freeze. Photo Credit: NYCNewswomen.blogspot.com
Point being, it’s only the first week of January, and it’s going to be pretty miserable for a while. So I say RESOLUTIONS, SHMESOLUTIONS!And I wouldn’t blame you for saying the same.

4 comments

  1. Ann Imig   •  

    Amy Freeze isn’t even REAL. Vikki photoshopped her into existence. LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE BEAUTIFUL.

    • Deborah   •  

      It is difficult these days to know who is real and who is photoshopped. Photoshop is the I Robot of Y2K.

  2. Vikki   •  

    The power of suggestion is strong…now I want to photoshop Amy Freeze onto a wild animal.

    Also, I live in a place that was truly the “coldest place on earth” on Monday with our double digit subzero air temps but I still made goals this year! So many goals! I’ve probably been seized by a special type of polar delirium.

  3. Deborah   •  

    Now I want you to photoshop Amy Freeze onto a wild animal. Perhaps a polar bear. Make it so.

    Also, you shouldn’t live there.

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