BlogHer recap or BlogHer TMI



You’ll be happy to know that I have finally produced a solid bowel movement after weeks of nerves leading up to my 4 minutes of fame at BlogHer. It’s a Jewish thing. The inbreeding leads to neuroses and delicate digestive tracks. I’ll give you some of my personal BlogHer highlights because I know you’ve been waiting anxiously to hear. I can sum up my experience in 3 words: Humiliation, Hygiene and Hysteria.

HUMILIATION
The BlogHer judges chose my post, Divorce Is So Gay, out of 1000 submissions as one of the 15 to be read at the Community Key Note. Such an honor, right? Well, all my little voices started yelling at me that I was not all that. “They needed a post from a gay, and you were the only who submitted anything!” “They needed a post from a Jew, and you were the only one who submitted anything!” “They asked you to read first to get you out of the way!”

It was an effort to quiet the voices and appreciate the recognition. I tried to own my talent for a change. By the last day of the conference after having my moment in the spotlight and feeling pretty good about myself, I decided that the last panel I would attend would be the Humor Blogging panel. In addition to some amazing, comedic talent, I’d be face to face with one of the women who was on the judging panel for the Keynote; Lizz Winstead co-creator of The Daily Show and all around hot shit!

After the nonstop hilarity, I gathered up the last bit of moxy I had left from a weekend of moxy-well-spent, and I stood in line after the panel discussion to introduce myself.

Deborah: Well that was just amazing.

Lizz: Thanks, thanks.

D: So, I was a Community Keynote speaker on Friday- Deborah Goldstein, Divorce is so Gay. And I wanted to thank you for your participation in choosing the pieces.

Lizz gave me a confused look.

D: You might not have even read mine or maybe you were the one dissenter who said, ‘That entry sucks’, but I appreciate your participation in the judging process.

L: I didn’t judge anything. I’m just here doing my bit for the panel.

D: You didn’t read any entries for the Community Keynote?

L: Nope.

D: Ok, well the folks at BlogHer included your name in all the literature. You should sue.

(crickets)

D: Well, let’s start over. I just think you’re hilarious.

L: Thanks, thanks.

And I sulked away. Lizz Winstead has no idea who I am, and she definitely does not think I’m funny. Good times.

HYGIENE
When a person drinks more than a person’s usual intake, and when a person is so tired that a person can hardly see, a person tends to throw caution to the wind. I sat on public toilet seats. I did not hover. I did not cover. I sat flesh to seat. I’m not proud, but I do feel free.

HYSTERIA
When a person drinks more than a person’s usual intake, and when a person is so tired that a person can hardly see, a person tends to laugh and cry constantly regardless of whether a situation is funny or sad. I wept during panel discussion and during morning keynote addresses. I wept when there was enthusiastic applause for anyone about anything. Thank goodness I opted out of mascara. Oh, and I laughed in perpetuum. Man, lady bloggers are funny! I laughed until I wet myself.

Actually, the dribbling occurred on a number of occasions throughout the conference. I knew these bloggers were funny, but I started to think that perhaps I had become incontinent. Finally, after the a final curious leakage, I went fishing for information…literally. And then I called Gabriella.

Deborah: Guess what I found?

Gabriella: What?

D: A tampon.

G: Were you missing one? Where was it?

D: In my vagina.

G: Yes, I know. Everything is in your vagina. But where was it?

D: No really. It must have been up there for a week and a half.

G: Are you serious?

D: Sadly, yes. I guess I forgot about it.

G: That’s disturbing. You know I thought there was something…

D: Thanks for mentioning it. I could have died from toxic shock syndrome. It was pretty gnarly after being stored up there for weeks.

G: Yeah. I don’t think I need to know the details.

D: I’m glad I’m not incontinent. Or dying.

G: Me, too.

In conclusion, I can testify that BlogHer was an emotional roller coaster filled with tears and joy and medical emergencies, and I highly recommend it. I miss my lady bloggers already, and I’m brought to tears just thinking about them. I must be tired.

Thank you to my peeps for rocking it blogger-style with me. Vikki at Up Popped a Fox, Polly at Lesbian Dad, Deb at Deb on the Rocks and all the lezzy bloggers, the lezbeans from Grace The Spot and Autostraddle, Keynote colleagues, the beautiful ladies (and a couple of blokes) who shared stories with me that made me laugh & cry and anyone else who bought me drinks. I love you, man!!

18 thoughts on “BlogHer recap or BlogHer TMI

  1. I did that with a tampon once. We could seriously be dead now. (According to the tri-fold that comes in my box of tampons that has the world believing that you can go toxic in nine hours after insertion.)

  2. SHAMIMI!! I love seeing your vlogs, and we miss you desperately. you’re a funny lady, missy, and i thank hanan every day for riding you hard…in a professional way, of course!

    Lora, I am so grateful that we were both spared the dreaded death by cotton!! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s done that. Almost 30 years of tampon usage, and this was a first.

  3. Feel lucky and relieved you didn’t stick another one up there. Although you probably did without realizing it and that’s why the old nasty one remains.

    Getting old sucks. As in “All I can think about is not wetting myself and I completely forgot about a plug in my vag” kinda old.

    As for humiliation: It’s the best material. Just remember that feeling though, when one day you’re the headliner and some neurotic, Jewish girl walks up to the podium simultaneously holding her front and her behind to avoid making a mess. When she asks you for your autograph, be kind. Smile. Save the deadpan (but beloved) sarcasm for the wiseass behind her.

    Karma, baby.

  4. So, Lizz Winstead might not think you’re funny but everyone who watched you read at the community keynote did. By my calculations, that’s 2,400 to 1. In other words: you’re hilarious.

  5. You know what’s weird: One of last year’s community keynote pieces was from Danielle at Knotty Yarn. About the time she was convinced she had left a tampon inside her for about a week and a half, but couldn’t find it.

    True story.

  6. PS-Lizz (or perhaps her assistant for all I know) judged the Humor category. And you were in the Life category. So, she wouldn’t have read you anyway 🙂

  7. You were fantastic. I was truly honored to be the token Muslim next to your token gay Jewishness. And, just in case someone takes this the wrong way, some of my BEST FRIENDS are gay Jews. No. Not really. Will *you* be my best friend?

  8. JL-so sorry you missed it this year! can’t wait to hang out in SD with you next year…and maybe even before that!!

    Right! Lizz didn’t read mine because if she had she would have gone out of her way to follow me on Twitter and comment on my blog and find me at BlogHer to tell me how much she loves me. WHEW!

    I LOVED that piece that Danielle read last year. I made Gabriella watch the clip so she experience the hilarious talent at BlogHer for herself. It’s amazing how many people I know now with um, interesting tampon stories.

    Vikki, I swear there hasn’t been a dribble since I extracted the offender! I’d have to put it to the true test by hanging out with you and laughing until it’s dangerous.

    and some of MY best friends are Muslim, Faiqa! we are destined to be BFFs. It’s a match!! fisehatak!

  9. All I can say is CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Priceless story about the supposed judge who was not. You should feel proud for making such excellent use of ‘humiliation.’ You’re a true comic.

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