Gay Vs. Straight: The Lady Round

In a move sure to be heralded by NPR and FOX alike as “dumb,” Nicole of Ninja Mom Blog and myself give you the four part series: Gay vs. Straight!

Deborah’s an all-around funny lady, smart-ass and “fake”-married lesbian.
Over the next four weeks we will examine the history of tension between heterosexual and homosexual Americans in settings private and public, political and religious.
Psych! Instead of well-researched debate, we present you with a series of posts in which we anonymously answer probing questions like “Do you prefer massages from men or women?” Forcing you to wonder, which response is from the hetero chick, and which is from the homo lady.  Nicole will post 3 questions and answers, and I will post 3 additional questions and answers – meaning you have to check out each of our weekly posts to play.
Do we hope to change public perception of the imagined differences between people of opposing sexual natures, thereby winning ourselves a Nobel Peace Prize in blogging?  Do bees buzz?  Do birds sing?  Do these jeans make my butt look big?
From here on out we will go by the gender-free-for-all names: Chris and Pat. Good luck pinning the gayness on the metaphorical donkey. We’ll reveal each answer’s author in our final installment. 

Gay Vs. Straight:  The Lady Round

1.  True or False:  Thong underwear is the work of the devil.

False.  Rather than wait for my cotton panties to slowly ride up my ass crack throughout the day forcing me to pick the wedged and twisted cotton briefs out from inside my anus at inopportune moments, my thongs cut right to the chase, gently flossing my butt cheeks, preventing VPL and unsightly gusset picking.  Spanx are the work of the devil.

False. Work of genius.  If I wanted more than 10 centimeters of cotton sewn by child laborers in Indonesia crammed into my divide, I’d buy briefs.

2.  What is your favorite accessory?

My Nipple-Buster Bra is my must-have.  I am not one of those gals who feels sexy or empowered by her high-beams.  The girls are independent thinkers and often present themselves at different occasions, which is awkward enough.  But even if they did synchronize their  outings, I’d be afraid people would try to hang their coat on one of them just to see if they could.  My Nipple-Buster Bra allows me to pull my shoulders back with confidence.

Gum.  There’s no point in the day when I’m not self-conscious about having coffee breath.

3.  Free associate the following words:  Cats.  Softball. Beer. 

Chris:  Perfect pet for keeping people away.  “You’d like to come visit with your 5 children under the age of 7?  We’d love to have you all stay in our 3 bedroom house.  Your kids will have a great time with our cat.  What?  You’re allergic, and you’ll have to stay somewhere else?  What a shame!”
Pat:  Psycho.  I’m all the crazy I need.  Yet, I like the “idea” of cats.

Chris:  A team sport for girls who intimidated me throughout my childhood.  Then again, most people intimidated me throughout my childhood.

Pat:  A stage in candy making that I have yet to figure out.  Like algebra or sock buns.

Chris:  When I first tried beer, I thought it tasted like something I wasn’t supposed to put in my mouth.  But, people told me that beer was an acquired taste – like so many other things I’ve put in my mouth.  So, just like with those other things, I kept at it.  While I did, in fact, acquire the taste for many a thing in my mouth, beer just isn’t one of them.

Pat:  Nuts.  Beer Nuts.  I loved Beer Nuts when I was a kid.  What ever happened to Beer Nuts?  It may be an indication that I spent too much time at actual bars as a child, but – if I couldn’t get some hot cashew nuts in my mouth – I was satisfied with Beer Nuts.

Bruce Springsteen
Chris:  As hot as a man with an under bite can be though his under bite is probably of no concern to the men he is trying to attract with that red cap in his right, back pocket.  

Pat:  Constipation. Never has a man sung so emphatically that I was concerned for his rectal well-being. Fiber, Bruce.

*                *                *               *               *                *                *

The battle of wits has begun, sayeth the Man in Black to Vizzini.  Have you studied enough of your own kind and the kind of others to be able to accurately identify who said what?  Luckily, for all of us, death is not on the line.  Pride, honor and bragging rights, however, are indeed for the taking.  Did Chris and Pat fulfill your every notion of hetero and homo thinking, or did their answers cause you to question your own sexuality?  It happens.  Keep a running tally, and all will be revealed after our last post in the series.  Then you will learn how well your Gaydars and Straightscopes are working.  No fair guessing who’s who if you have inside information!  Cheaters never prosper, bee-atches.

Don’t forget to check out the 3 other questions on Ninja Mom Blog!

15 thoughts on “Gay Vs. Straight: The Lady Round

    1. So happy to have put a smile on your puss (as opposed to a puss on your smile – we just met, after all) We aim to please and prove that gay or straight, we all can be pretty ridiculous.

  1. i think chris is nicole…….
    thats my gut after reading both pages…. hmmmmm, cant wait.

    either way, HILAAAAAAAAARIOUS.

    1. Very interesting, crazyassmomma. Spoken like someone who consults with her gut often. Tune in to next week’s post for more hilarity and gay/straight tomfoolery!

  2. I’m here from NinjaLand to tell you I don’t know who’s who but now I love you both. This is the most genius-addled piece of blogging awesomeness I’ve seen in a long time, maybe ever.

    1. Welcome, NinjaLandian!! It’s a pleasure to welcome you to our humble home. The place is a mess, but you can sit down anywhere you can find a spot. I’d offer you something to eat, but I have no more clean dishes, and I don’t plan to wash any until Friday. I have plenty of love to offer, however, for a NinjaLandian such as your good self.

      Sit back, put your feet up and relax. Let the love fest commence!!

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