I was almost positive that at the age of 5 and 5/6, Asher still did not know what a vagina was. We certainly have not hidden vaginas from him, but we’re not exactly a commando house, either. My lady bits prefer the cozy surrounds of a cotton gusset to the hostile winds of vulnerable nakedness. I hoped that he would catch us just out of the shower and inquire as Levi had done many many times from an early age. No such luck. My assumption that he lacked vaginal knowledge was confirmed.
Asher and I were in the kitchen one morning waiting for Gabriella to get ready for the day. As we sat eating breakfast, we heard Levi talking to Mommy upstairs in the loo.
Levi: Can I
Gi-na? (pron. jahy-nah)
Yes, he does take long pauses in between word couplets.
Gabriella: Yes, Levi.
L: OH! I see a
Asher: What is he even talking about?
Deborah: Levi wants to see Mommy’s vagina.
A: A gina?
A: What even is that?
D: You have a willy, and your brother has a willy, but Mommy and I have vaginas.
A: You mean that (pointing to my right boob)?
D: No, this is my breast, remember? That’s where babies get milk.
A: Oh yeah.
D: A vagina is in between the legs-like your willy.
Levi: (squealing with delight) GINA! I SEE A GINA!!
A: When did Levi see it?
D: Well, he must have seen us getting dressed or getting out of the shower.
A: Oh. [pause] Can I see you get out of the shower?
D: You have seen me get out of the shower. I guess you just never noticed. If you’re around when we’re getting ready in the morning, you can take a look.
Gabriella: (Yelling to me from upstairs) HAVE YOU SEEN MY PHONE?
D: MOMMY! WE DON’T YELL FROM ROOM TO ROOM! HAVE YOU CHECKED THE USUAL PLACE? (the usual place being my vagina)
It’s not Gabriella’s fault that she constantly asks me where she has put things. Well, it is her fault that she misplaces everything which I find supremely irritating, but she knows that I have a specific talent. No, not shoving things up my vagina! I have an uncanny ability for finding whatever has been lost. It’s the closest I’ll ever get to having a super power. I’m The Finder. If someone is looking for something, I know we won’t be able to carry on about our day until I start searching. It’s a blessing and a curse.
While I do accept the huge responsibility that comes with my super power, occasionally I prefer it when we all look after our own things. My answer to any question Gabriella asks that begins with ‘Do you know where’ or ‘Have you seen’ is always ‘It’s in my vagina’. Every time I reply with that answer, I hope that she will either get the message and look for her damn [insert damned thing here] or go rummaging around my vagina. It would be a win-win scenario for me except that she never goes rummaging, and I always have to find her crap.
G: NO, I HAVEN’T CHECKED THE USUAL PLACE!
D: TELL ME ABOUT IT! I’M ASSUMING AT THIS POINT YOU’LL NEED A MAP. UNFORTUNATELY, THE MAP IS UP THERE, TOO.
A: MOM! You’re yelling from room to room.
D: Yes, Asher, you’re right. I should go upstairs and tell her to shove her phone up her own vagina so she doesn’t have to ask me for it again.
NO! I didn’t say that.
D: Yes, Asher you’re right. I’ll go upstairs and help her find her phone.
Here I am about to find Gabriella’s phone. I’ve got my thermal imagers on so I can see through walls and my Ring-of-Light which illuminates my path during missions and otherwise helps me find my keys in my trendy, large bag. The cape is just for show. And the boots, well, they come in handy in all sorts of situations.