Itching to tell you something

There are plenty of couples out there engaging in hot ‘n steamy sex 3, 4…5 times a week. Good for you! We are not one of those couples. I don’t mean to make excuses, but Gabriella and I have been together for 16 years, and we have small children, and we are tired. Well, mostly Gabriella is tired. That’s not to say that we don’t get busy every now and again. Sometimes, we even dust off a couple of sex-cessories and put some thought and effort into an occasional session. Did you want to know what’s in our toy chest? Well, tough toenails. I’m not going to tell you. Use your imagination, and keep it to yourself, thank you kindly.

I will tell you that the toys are on sabbatical for a good long while after I recently contracted a ferocious STI. Oh the agony of a Sex Toy Irritation! It’s true, we carelessly ripped a new toy from the packaging without considering its chemical composition.

I own a beautiful necklace, but when I wear it, a relentless, itchy rash erupts all over my neck. Much like the ex-girlfriend who gave it to me, it is interesting to look at but bad for my well-being. I really need to get rid of that thing. And, I must rid myself of the wicked toy that temporarily amused only to turn my delicate flower into Scratch Snatch Central.

Thankfully, I do not work in an office because I don’t know what I could have done to temper the fury of fire that raged neath my knickers for nearly a week. At least I could attack my twat like a dog digging furiously for the last bone on Earth in the privacy of my own home. I might have had to skip a staff meeting to do unspeakable things with a hair brush in the ladies room. I am also grateful that my clitoris is still attached after the merciless scraping she endured over the last week. My poor, battered gina.

Did I do anything about it? Of course not. I suffered in silence. I didn’t slather my cooter with yogurt or tea tree oil. I didn’t seek the advice of a medical practitioner even when it seemed I would hollow out the insides of my lady-lips with my fingernails. Luckily, I didn’t research my condition on the internet either. I don’t know what possessed me to stay away from my computer, but I’m so glad I did. After the swelling abated, I was able to sit and surf the net without having to type with one hand. Come to find out that I could have DIED! Found on this site

Many people are allergic to latex. Most sex toys and condoms are made from latex. Aside from latex, sex toys often contain phthalates (keeps the latex soft and pliable) which can cause cancer, liver disease and liver failure, kidney failure and major serious problems with the endocrine system. Allergies to latex can cause serious problems such as bladder infections that persist, kidney failure, liver failure, anaphylactic shock and death.

Use of latex does not always cause immediate allergic reactions. Sometimes the allergens have a cumulative effect, and a reaction may not happen until a person has used latex for a number of years.

In the back of my mind, I knew about the evils of phthalates, but in the heat of the moment we were wanton and reckless. Read the label? There’s no reading in foreplay! I paid the price and lived to tell the tale. She’s better now, thank you. The itch has subsided, and I am able to go about my business without constantly clawing at my crotch.

Please let my pain serve as your wake up call. Know your toys. Your vagina is your friend, and so am I.

This has been a Pubic Service Announcement.

10 thoughts on “Itching to tell you something

  1. Many websites do list the ingredients and some even offer category links specific to safety features…I’ve been told.

    GREAT LINK! Have you considered becoming a consultant?

  2. hahahahaha! I’m trying to imagine my standing up in front of a group of people and hawking my wares … with a straight face. Nope, can’t see it.

    Also, see lines 1-6 of your blog entry. Just change the names around and you get us. I think I’d have to have a much, MUCH steamier sex life to come across as a convincing saleswoman.

  3. oh dear!! NOT good!

    Angela – that is hysterical, “green sex toys” – who would have thought? they should start a section at Whole Foods!!

    So glad that you are back to normal, Deborah – that sounds highly unpleasant!!

  4. Hi, Deborah!

    I run a website and home party company that is devoted only to body-safe and nontoxic toys and other sex-cessories. It’s aimed at educating women and couples about the better choices that exist.

    Most people don’t know that there is a difference in sex toy materials – and that’s a difference that can cause a doctor’s visit. Also, there are organic lubricants that would certainly fit in at your local Whole Foods!

    Please feel free to check out my site or give me a call if you have any questions!

    Sharon Kramper, Owner
    Primrose Path

  5. Did I ever tell you about the time my 8 year old son happened upon our “toy chest”? Of course I didn’t because Luisa would never allow me to write about it. She will not be with me in NY, however 🙂

  6. OMG, Sharon! So good to see you here on my sister’s blog. I had actually already told Deborah about pthalates after viewing your Awesome website, but sadly, she doesn’t always listen to me…

    Rachel Bunny

  7. so sad that primrose offers parties in chicago only. If you’re ever in the neighborhood, let me know!

    jan, we’re back in the phtalate-free saddle and taking a toy break until we stock up on these genitally-friendly toys.

    can’t wait for that story, vikki! won’t be long now.

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