My Vagina Wants to Get High

Hamstring puller
Foria by Aphrodite Group

Foria by Aphrodite Group

If you live in California, and you happen to have a doctor who can prescribe medical marijuana, I would please like to speak with you off-line about a product sold only in your fair state called Foria. For those of you not in the know, Foria is an all natural, spray lubricant containing 360 milligrams of THC (Tetrahydrocannabinol).

It’s pot for the pussy, grass for the girlie bits, hemp for the honey pot, ganja for the gash, cheeba for the chocha, bud for the box, Mary Jane for the minge, a toke for the twat, skunk for the snatch, cannabis for the …. clit. Did you think I was going to say cunt? I was thinking it, actually. We seem to have a lot in common.

Foria is the product of a sex-positive team at the medical marijuana collective, Aphrodite Group, working under the direction of vaginophile, Matthew Gerson. I couldn’t help but picture Matthew and fanny-friends (fanny being the British term for front-bottom) sitting around his coffee table passing a joint around when someone had the bright idea to blow smoke at Matthew’s cat to get her high. “Hey! Cut that out!!” protested Matthew. “How old are you? Don’t blow smoke at my pussy!” And then the brilliant stoners made a certain connection and WHAM, BAM, THANK YOU, MATT! Foria was born. And a 30 ml spray bottle (approximately 30 servings) will cost you $88.00.

Gerson tested over one hundred volunteers who experienced a range of sensations at various levels of intensity. I’ve read some headlines that purport a 15-minute orgasm. I’m not sure I could handle 30-seconds let alone 15 minutes of orgasm, but perhaps it’s more of a gentle wave of heightened pleasure as opposed to a toe-curling, back-arching, hamstring pulling, full-body explosion. I guess I’d just have to risk it and give it a go, which I’m more than willing to do.

The Foria website says that the lube makes “orgasms more intense, fuller and easier to access and is believed to help promote natural lubrication, reduce pain and tension and create the relaxation necessary for sensual experience and restorative rest.” It’s an edible lubricant, an arousal aid, a relaxant, and, get this, its coconut oil base has a naturally low pH level, which may help prevent yeast infections!

In case you’re wondering, a sex partner is unlikely to get a contact high UNLESS there is mouth-to-vag contact where the lucky muff-diver can absorb the THC oil orally. I predict in a significant increase in cunnilingus throughout the land, which is definitely a happy outcome – pun intended. The Aphrodite Group is also working on a weed-infused lubricant for the prostate for our men-friends.

Alas, this pure and natural spray can only be prescribed by a doctor in California (and soon Washington and Colorado), unlike pure and natural St. John’s Wort or Melatonin, which we can purchase just about anywhere. Our nation wants us to be happy and relaxed – but not downstairs. Or rather, our nation wants to regulate, monitor and capitalize on our pleasure downstairs. FIGHT THE POWER … and start distributing Foria to your friends across state lines! Or at least hook me up with your doctor when I come to visit.

In my fantasy world, I pack it up and move to Colorado where I start a food truck called WOW – Weed On Wheels – and I stock it with a wide selection of marijuana strains and recommended munchy pairings; both salty and sweet. My fantasy future gets even more enticing once I add Foria to the menu. Deborah Goldstein: Mobile Merchant of Marijuana, Munchies and Muff Pleasure. I knew I was a do-gooder at heart. But until Foria makes it to New Jersey or I relocate to Colorado and buy a food truck, I can only dream…and possibly invite some chemist friends over to sit around my coffee table.

8 comments

  1. Vikki   •  

    You know an impressive number of words for vagina. I am in awe if your alliteration as well. As for the product in question, I’ll have to try it before I can comment further.

    • Deborah   •     Author

      I have studied vagina for many, many years during which time I have accumulated a vast vaginal vocabulary. Let me know if you’re able to use the product in question.

  2. Dykeasaurus   •  

    Weed for the wazoo? Blunt for the beaver? Puff for the muff?

    …I’m out of ideas now.

    • Deborah   •     Author

      Fanny-tastic! If you think of more, please do share.

      • Dykeasaurus   •  

        Errrrrrm,

        Joint for the jewel box? Spliff for the slit?

        …I’m pretty sure I really am out this time.

        • Deborah   •     Author

          Good ones! So many to choose from. Clearly the two were made for each other.

  3. Pencil   •  

    Joint for the jenga-jenga (that’s our sweet, made up name), puff for the poof?

    • Deborah   •     Author

      Well if we’re going to make up names, we could do this all day! I’ve got nothing better to do. You?

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