Ode to Laundresses

Washerwoman by Walter H. Everett

Washerwoman by Walter H. Everett

Gabriella: Did you wash my white pants?

Deborah: Since last weekend?

Gabriella: Yes.

Deborah: Let me describe to you my laundering schedule.

Gabriella: I just asked if you washed them.

Deborah: I wash all the clothes on the weekends if I can. I don’t have much time, energy or desire to wash clothes, wait until they are dry and put them away during the week.

Gabriella: You don’t always put clothes away after your dry them.

Deborah: May I continue?

Gabriella: If you must.

Deborah: First I wash the sheets and towels. Now we have twice as many sheets to wash because the boys sleep on both levels of their bunk beds.

Gabriella: Maybe you should wash them every other week.

Deborah: Maybe I should shove a pillowcase in your mouth. Shhzzzt.

Gabriella: Can you just wash my pants? …Please?

Deborah: Now then, I wash all the sheets and towels first. Next, I do the boys’ clothes so that I know I have their camp shirts and everything else for the week. Then, I wash our clothes, and I prioritize them based on volume. As it stands, after the boys’ clothes, the most full laundry bag is that of clothing of color that must be washed in cold water.The bag of cold, white clothes is the smallest bag I have.

Gabriella: Don’t you have another load of whites to do? Socks or something? You can throw them all in together?

Deborah: Do WHAT?!?

Gabriella: Don’t you…

Deborah: Yes, I heard you!

Deborah stomps upstairs to retrieve the small bag of cold, white clothes and dumps out its contents in front of Gabriella.

Deborah: I have here a bag of cold, whites to launder. There are two items this bag. Your white trousers and one pair of underpants.

Gabriella: You never say underpants.

Deborah: No I don’t. It’s a ridiculous word that I am using now for effect. I do not think it efficient or earth-friendly to run the washer for your trousers, which I just washed last week, and a singular pair of underpants.

Gabriella: That’s why I suggested that you combine those things with the socks.

Deborah: I shall do no such thing.

Deborah picks up the pair of trousers and reads the washing instructions.

Deborah: Says right here, “Wash in cold.” I shall not be combining the cold, whites with the hot, whites.

Gabriella: I would really like to wear my white pants tonight.

Deborah: When you say to me that you want to wear the white pants that I just washed, it’s as if you have 4 pairs of underpants but you are telling me that you need clean underpants for the week. Maybe you should buy another pair of white pants.

Gabriella: Maybe you should stop saying underpants.

Deborah: So, you still want me to run the washing machine and waste all that water and energy on your one pair of pants and singular pair of underpants??

Gabriella: So don’t wash them!

Deborah grabs the bag and heads to the basement to wash Gabriella’s pair of white pants and a singular pair of white underpants.

Deborah: SO I AM WASHING YOUR WHITE PANTS AND A SINGULAR PAIR OF WHITE UNDERPANTS WHILE YOU DESTROY THE PLANET FOR OUR CHILDREN AND OUR GRANDCHILDREN!!!

Gabriella: Thank you.

Deborah: I hate you.

Deborah proceeds to wash Gabriella’s white trousers along with one pair of white underpants in preparation for their evening. She then, feeling inspired, takes to the computer.

Deborah: I’m transcribing our conversation we had earlier.

Gabriella: Which conversation is that?

Deborah: The one about your PANTS.

Gabriella: That’s funny. Are they done?

Deborah: I just put them in, and I don’t think they’ll be clean and dry before we go out tonight. You’ll have to wear wet pants.

Gabirella: I won’t be wearing them tonight, then.

Deborah: I won’t be speaking to you tonight, then.

 

3 comments

  1. Marian   •  

    Hilarious! Feel like I’ve had conversations like this.. Perfect!

    • Deborah   •     Author

      I feel that much closer to you. We are sisters in laundry.

  2. Adely   •  

    That was so freakin’ hilarious! Just what I needed a good belly laugh. Like to read your blog even though we don’t have much in common. Keep up the great writing!

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