She served us well – or did she?

It was a sudden death.  I didn’t see it coming.  I had no warning.  No indication.  I was unable to prepare myself for the loss.  Our microwave died yesterday.  Two days ago, my food was piping hot within minutes, but yesterday the under cabinet GE Profile Spacesaver II rotated my meal but failed to increase its temperature. 

I craved that lentil soup Gabriella had prepared a couple of days ago.  She makes a mean soup – and by mean, I mean glorious.  3 minutes should have done it.  Maybe I had pushed 30 seconds instead.  Could time have passed that quickly that 3 minutes should seem like 30 seconds?  I doubted 3 minutes had elapsed, but my soup was cold.  The proof is in the pudding, after all, or the soup as the case may be.  I selected the minutes slowly and deliberately once more giving the keypad my full attention.  After 3 minutes, my soup was not even tepid.  I stared into black, tinted glass looking for signs of life, but there was only emptiness.

She was just 5 years old.  It was her magnetron.  She went quietly…well, other than the beeps that erroneously signaled a heated meal.  Clearly she was demented in the end.
I have been eating cold food since yesterday though there are so many leftovers that would taste infinitely better if warm.  It is amazing how many things I will eat that do not require reheating in order to avoid using a pot or pan to heat food in the oven or on the stove.  Today’s lunch could have been that delicious lentil soup or pasta with homemade sauce.  Instead, I finished the tuna fish that was left over after I made Levi’s lunch this morning.  I did not want tuna fish, but I was hungry and feeling very, very lazy.

My plan was to run out and get a cheap microwave until we could replace the fancy, compact microwave and get a professional to install it neatly within the space provided.  Gabriella was opposed to purchasing an interim appliance being the more frugal and practical of the two of us.  Then I suggested we give up using the microwave altogether seeing as how microwaves are insidious killers and body manglers.*  Gabriella called my bluff being more old-school than I.  She’s the kind of gal who would rather chop, grind, mix and knead everything by hand.  That peasant girl, from the hills shit is cute until I have to adopt those ways as my own.

I’ve been researching all the benefits of microwaves to justify a replacement.  It’s tough going.  There are plenty of videos of people blowing things up in microwaves, but we don’t have much need for that in our house at the minute.  Nor do we have a need to create soap soufflé. 

I should have been using the microwave to sterilize sponges.  Did you know that 2 minutes in the microwave rids your sponge of all bacteria?

I did learn about medical benefits of microwaves.  Apparently, microwaves are used as an alternative to surgery.  In the case of enlarged prostates, for example, doctors can use microwaves to heat up the engorged tissue around the prostate while decreasing the size of the prostate itself.  I’m not exactly sure how they place the shvonz in the microwave and shut the door to achieve this procedure, however.  I guess that’s how come people go to medical school for all those years so’s they can figure out how to do that sort of thing.

I’d like to believe I could do without the microwave. It could sit exactly where it is like a stuffed owl prepared and mounted by an appliance taxidermist.  The clock still works, and I could store things inside using the round, glass dish like a Lazy Susan.  I wish I never knew the glory of the microwave.  I shake my fist at you, Percy Spencer!  That said, I’d be willing to do a microwave product review for any appliance vendors out there.  I can’t just quit cold-turkey – cause I can use the microwave to heat it up!

*Here is a link outlining the horrific dangers of microwaves.  Do NOT select said link if you are not able to unknow facts that make you feel rotten.

13 thoughts on “She served us well – or did she?

  1. I’ve been living microwave-free for nearly four years now and let me tell you, life is glorious! FOOD TASTES LIKE FOOD. Reheating your glorious leftovers in the oven or on the stove makes them taste like a freshly cooked meal.

    All that aside, I’m sorry about your loss. WELCOME TO THE DARK SIDE!

    1. Touched by the offer for the filthy microwave…no really I am. I might try the way of the pioneers and use my convection oven – cause pioneers had those, right? If I can’t take it anymore (like in a week’s time), I’ll be knocking on your virtual door. THANK YOU!

  2. I was microwave-free for two years after college: a combo of no dough to buy one and no counter space in NYC to keep one. (I also had a black and white TV with no cable) I survived. You will survive. Tell yourself you’re living the pioneer life – as you stand in your centrally-heated, interiorally-plumbed kitchen stirring a pot on the stove you didn’t light with a match and don’t have to put coal or wood inside…
    Good luck!

    1. And after those two years? Did you break down and leap into modern day living? I’ll take my centrally heated home with flushing toilets over my microwave any day – if I had to choose. Perhaps every time I feel the need to nuke a dish, I’ll go flush my toilet to gain a bit of perspective. I thank you.

  3. My condolences. An Irish/Yiddish blessing on the loss of your microwave:

    May your LED display never dim.
    May your table turn evermore.
    May your timer beep to alert you.
    May there not be schmutz on the door.
    And may the stainless steel interior
    Be ever splattered with the
    Loving remains of lat’s night’s
    Stuffed shells.

    1. I shall recite this at our Thanksgiving meal as I am so very thankful for thoughtful friends who give good blessings! I wish for you all things equally as convenient and delicious.

  4. I resent the term “Lazy Susan.”

    We never replaced our last microwave when it died. Somehow it creeped both of us out. Every so often I miss it, and sometimes washing all the extra pots seems like a drag, but I do like how food tastes when it is heated with heat as opposed to waves.

  5. I would say you can live without it, but I think you’d rather have the kids using the microwave than the stove or oven. We went without a microwave for a few years awhile back. It was hard, but we got used to it.

    How about you buy one more and when it breaks you can go Amish in the kitchen? by then, the kids well be older. By at least five years

    1. Good point re kids! Also, during Thanksgiving my brother – the Phi Bet Kappa in chemistry from a fancy shmancy university – tried his best to explain to me why microwaves are not to be feared. I may be convinced.

      While I’ve been living without the microwave just fine, I will get another one. We’ll put our Amish lifestyle….on the back burner!! I wonder if we can bake a snickerdoodle pie in the microwave.

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