If you do not run in gay male circles in the same sort of frequency that I do, you may not be fluent in Top and Bottom identities. The terms refer to sexual preference. Simply speaking, your standard Top is Flap A, and your standard Bottom is Slot B. Tops do in to others, and Bottoms receive the doing. In some cases, Tops and Bottoms may shove those roles deep inside of the bedroom, hard. Or, they might whip those identities out in very public places assuming twentieth century notions of masculinity and femininity, in which no one wonders who wears the pants or who, in fact, is your daddy.
You may think of these roles only in terms of gay men, but in fact, any of us, of any sexual persuasion or gender identity, can claim Top or Bottom. Top and Bottom can relate to you and your partner – or spouse – or girl you picked up in a bar whose last name you didn’t forget because you never knew it. Why, you and your platonic friend may have assumed Top and Bottom roles without ever having verbalized or acknowledged it. Sometimes, a Top and Bottom pairing just works better. Two Tops planning a wedding? Gives me agita just thinking about it. Two Bottoms trying to decide on a restaurant for dinner? The endless accommodating exhausts.
I’m not just talking about relationship roles. You know that, right? I’m talking about any situation at work or within families or neighbors. Gearing up for a tough conversation? Unsure how to handle an aggressive personality? Not sure how that colleague will react if you take charge of a situation? If you can identify a Top or a Bottom, you can play to their role. Be the Bottom to their Top or the Top to their Bottom, and everyone wins.
Make no mistake, however. A Bottom is not synonymous with passive or weak or anything less than powerful. To be a Bottom does not mean surrendering control. Au contraire, Mon Derrière. A skilled Bottom can conduct without having to wield an enormous baton. It’s all in the delivery…or the recipery. A Bottom need not take charge in order to be in charge.
Did a parent or teacher ever tell you that it was better to be happy than to be right? Yeah, it’s actually better to be happy AND right if you can swing it. And frankly, a Bottom is well placed to be both. Those who can bow down (or bend over) without fear of losing rank are much more flexible and open as opposed to the Top who can often be more attached to winning than to working collaboratively. A Bottom can still get what’s coming on to them as long as they allow a Top to sustain a sense of Topitude. Yeah, it’s a thing because I say it is.
To be a truly effective Bottom, you need to be able to let go. Panic and you may become the Bossy Bottom, a Bottom who has not fully embraced Bottom Power, strapping on a bit of Top only to chafe from the weight and friction of it. A Bossy Bottom is like a back seat driver, and nobody likes a backseat driver. A Power Bottom, on the other hand, is more of the navigator in the cockpit than the nagging Bottom in the backseat – enabling the Top to Top it out while still calling the shots.
Whichever your tendencies, practice on both ends will serve you well in the bedroom and outside of it. Rise to the Top and Bottoms Up!