The Foxy Merkins Teachable Moment

I give when I can, and there are definitely certain causes and projects that inspire me to give more than others. I could not resist the call to donate to filmmakers of Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same and their new film, The Foxy Merkins.

A merkin for those of you who are unfamiliar, is a vaginal wig, a toupe for the twat, a pastiche for the pussy, a rug for the carpet, a hair piece for the hair pie. Glad I covered that one.

Director Madeleine Olnek worked with screenwriters and thespians Jackie Monahan and Lisa Haas to write a story about two lesbian hookers; their friendship and their tricks; sort of a Belle de Jour meets Fight Club. Sort of.

The filmmakers solicited pledges through Kickstarter, and with most Kickstarter campaigns, giving means getting. There are usually gifts to be had. Scrolling through the contribution levels, I found one that would fit my budget as well as deliver a nice memento of appreciation, in this case a movie poster and a Foxy Merkins T-shirt.

My poster came first, and I waited a bit longer for the T-shirt. Just before the T-shirt showed, I received an email alerting me to its imminent arrival. “T-shirt is coming. Take a photo or video of you opening up your package, and share it with us.” And there was something about a prize for the funniest video. Prize? Well, you don’t have to ask me twice. I hired Gabriella to be my videographer upon receipt of my T-shirt. And by hired, I mean commanded her to do my cinematic bidding.

Gabriella, being the proud videographer that she is, insisted we record the video on her iPhone because she has the iPhone 6, and I have a 5, and I dunno, when the 4s came out we thought that was hot shit then, so who the fuck cares about the video quality for a 2-minute recording of me getting a T-shirt, but I didn’t want to argue with an artisit and all.

I’m going to post the video here on the site, but anyone receiving the blog on email may not actually see it. I’m going to give you THIS LINK because the video is required viewing for the next part of my story.

I posted the video to Twitter and The Foxy Merkins Facebook page, and the ladies commented and shared, and I felt good about it all…until the next morning.

My alarm sounded, and I cursed myself again for staying up too late the night before for no good reason. I know perfectly well that I keep hours that will make me very sorry in the morning, but I have yet to change my ways. I stay up late. But that night, I stayed up later than my usual late, and I was dizzy-tired – the “can’t open both of my eyes at the same time, so I miss the toothbrush with the toothpaste” tired. I was really not fully awake when Levi came running into the bathroom while I was in the shower.

MOM!!! I didn’t know you shaved your pajama…your vajama…your VAGIMA!”

What? My wha… My vagima?!?… How does he not know the word vagiNA… and what the hell is he talking abou…OH SHIT!

“Where did you see that Levi?!?” I yelled through the shampoo dripping down my face.

“On Mommy’s phone.”

On Mommy’s phone?!? On Mommy’s “my iPhone 6 camera is better than your iPhone 5 camera’ phone? On Mommy’s ‘All of my videos are available for public consumption’ phone? Mommy’s ‘I let my kids watch whatever they want phone? Mommy’s ….” Wait, let’s revisit the fact that he does not know the word VAGINA!! Ok, sure it’s been a while since we left bathroom doors open and took advantage of each teachable moment, but really? PAJAMA??

I rinsed my hair, opened my other eye, and realized I had to say something about the video that Levi could never unsee.

“Levi, that video is a joke. It’s a joke for grown ups. It’s not really true. I don’t shave my VA-GI-NA. It’s a joke, ok?”

Except that it isn’t a joke because once a week I actually do lop the whole thing off, but I didn’t feel the need to explain it to my 8-year-old. So yeah, I shave it all. I shave it all off for me, mind you – not for anyone else, judging-judgy pants. Not for someone else who prefers a prepubescent Lolita lover. For me. Because I like the 5 o’ clock shadow that I get a day or two later. For me. Because my vagina deserves the same grooming attention that I give the hair on my head. And just because I shave my vagina, that does NOT mean that I am not a feminist or that I do not fully celebrate my womanhood or that I find my natural state offensive in any way. I simply prefer a shorn look on my … PAJAMA?!? Shit. Two lesbians have a child who doesn’t know the word ‘vagina.’ We have failed him.

“GABRIELLA?!?” I yell from the shower hoping that she’s heard our exchange and that she has something to say about it.

“I forgot it was on my phone. Oops,” was all she had to say for herself.

And then I started laughing. Because whatareyougonnado? And Gabriella bust out laughing with me, and I got out of the shower, at this point completely awake.

I felt it was necessary to speak to Levi one more time before never speaking about it with him again. I explained that his classmates would not understand the humor and that their parents would not appreciate having to explain grown up humor to them. He seemed to understand that he was not to discuss the video with anyone outside of our family, and I’m pretty sure that he’s forgotten about it entirely now. At least, that’s what I choose to believe. But we shall have to review body parts at some point.

6 thoughts on “The Foxy Merkins Teachable Moment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *