Your Husband’s Character

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What resources did a homemaker have at her disposal in the 1930s and 40s before the Internet could provide endless collections of helpful hints and life hacks? How was she to know that if she failed to clean the rubber seal around the door of her refrigerator properly, she slowly poison her family with exponentially reproducing mold spores?

Or that one could revive old and tired skin with lotions made with radium?

Or that if you are choking on a fish bone, it is, contrary to previous notions, perfectly acceptable to leave the table in order not to disturb dinner guests?

During those dark days, well before the Internet could inform the clueless housewife of her hygienic, aesthetic, and culinary obligations, booklets were published to help America’s homemakers from their linoleum tiled kitchen to their dusty rose colored bedrooms.

One such booklet contained a handy questionnaire for housewives to answer entitled: What Kind of a Husband Have YOU? which read as follows:

Answer Yes or No to the following questions to determine your husband’s character:

  1. Is he eager to get ahead?
  2. Does he think faster than others?
  3. Does he find it hard to get the day’s problems out of his mind at night?
  4. Is he continually dissatisfied with himself?
  5. Is he a light sleeper?
  6. Does he like to be on the go?

If the answers to most of these questions are NO, you are married to a calm, reserved, rather phlegmatic person. If most of your answers are YES, your husband is the energetic “racehorse” type. Like the racehorse, he is quick, high-strung eager to win. Like the racehorse, he is excitable, nervous, sensitive. One thing may stand in the way of his success – his nerves.

The homemaker of the 1950s may not have concerned herself with the fact that these questions reveal more about the kind of provider a husband might be than the kind of partner. There are no questions that have to do with listening skills, supportiveness, and whether or not he likes anal.

Today, there are plenty of questionnaires we can find in magazines and online to tell wives about the mysterious men they’ve married. That doesn’t entirely negate the scientific method used in this 6-question checklist, however.

In fact, an updated version was recently discovered, which had been published in 1986. The questions remained the same but the analysts, Professors Mary Jane Dank and Dr. Rock Gank, had revised the conclusions based on research they were conducting at the time. Dank and Gank’s notes read as follows:

If you mostly answered YES to the above questions, and your husband thinks fast, can’t sleep, and is constantly on the go, he’s probably doing a lot of cocaine.

Should your husband be bumping snow, he’s most likely bumping beavers due to an increase in sexual desire, and you should get him checked for STDs. That said, while he may be banging box, the chances of procreating are low as cocaine often impairs ejaculation. Furthermore, his constant chatter about himself followed by increased hostility will prevent any love interest from pursuing a long-term relationship with him.

The upside of his cocaine use is the fact that he is eager to get ahead in order to support his coke habit, but that’s only going to benefit you in the end. Your husband’s career advancement will allow you to stay home or find a part-time job with Avon or Amway or the like until he has a heart attack, and if you’re lucky, experience that heart attack on top of one the whores he’s fucking.

If, on the other hand, your husband is of the phlegmatic variety, it is likely that he prefers weed to cocaine. Your pot-smoking husband may or may not experience sexual arousal from cannabis as results differ between husbands and between strains of marijuana.

A stoned spouse is less likely to engage in extramarital affairs not due to lack of interest, but because he will rarely find the motivation to leave the house, nor will he be able to locate his car keys. Should he make it out the door, however, be aware that doing the doobie does reduce inhibitions, which can lead to irresponsible behavior, and you should have him checked for STDs. If you suspect that your husband may be considering putting that pipe where it doesn’t belong, try spreading some Duncan Hines chocolate frosting on your lady parts, and you’ll make for an irresistible treat that is also naturally gluten free.

A reprinted edition of the questionnaire was published in 2011 but spoke not of Dank nor Gank. There is, however, a curiously unreferenced footnote that simply reads:

If you do need to answer six YES/NO questions to figure out who the man is sleeping in your bed, perhaps you should begin by examining your own character, and regardless of your answers, and do clean out your refrigerator thoroughly.

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